By Mike Spooner
The Pentagon- In an unprecidented move, the U.K. has banned Secretary Of Defense James Mattis from entering the country as it’s knife ban goes into effect.
According to government officials, Secretary Mattis and his “knife hands” are a clear violation of U.K. knife laws, both in size and lethality. Parliament Member Sir Reginald P.Q. Figglesbottom III says, "No excuses: there is never a reason to carry a knife. As respected as Secretary Mattis is. His knife hands are not welcome in a peaceful country such as ours. We in Parliament have worked very hard on this legislation and the general public of the United kingdom is now reaping the safety benefits of this common sense knife control. The public is safer than ever.”
There have been more than 50 homicides in London so far in 2018, and the number of murders has surpassed those of New York, which has a similar population, but has seen a steady decline in violent crime. According to our senior E-4 Mafia Pentagon inside adviser SPC. D. Shameer, when notified of his ban from the U.K., Secretary Mattis was overheard saying “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH” (our readers are reminded that any information acquired by the E-4 Mafia, Lance Corporal underground, or the Private News Network is considered reliable, but officially unverified).
Top members of the British Cock and Bulls political party have put forward a request to have Secretary Mattis’ hands registered as “assault knives" via a binding U.N. resolution. When asked for a comment, the British Ambassador to the U.N. released the following statement to our Grumpy Joes reporter. “WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YOU DOING HERE??!! HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE!!! GET OUT NOW!” This story will be updated as new information is is received.