BY Thom Sullivan
Fort Eustis, VA- For decades, since its creation in 1980, the Army Physical Fitness Test has consisted of two-minutes of push-ups, two minutes of sit-ups, and a two mile run. That stands to change very soon, representatives from TRADOC said on Friday.
“There has always been criticism with the old APFT,” COL Dougles Samfeld said in an interview with GrumpyJoesHQ.com, “Some people felt that we discriminated against certain body types, or that the it did not meaningfully correlate towards combat performance while wearing full kit, but one of the complaints we hear the most is that there are two different standards for men and women in the Army.”
The most oft-quoted example of this division is that for two 18 year old Soldiers of different genders, a female Soldier with the same raw score as a male Soldier who has barely passed with the minimal 180, will find herself with a score of 260 by comparison – just a hair under the APFT Excellence thresholds.
“We have heard the complaints. Loud and clear.” COL Samfeld said, “This new, diverse army needs an APFT that makes no exception for anyone, and requires all Soldiers to maintain the same standards, except of course for broke-dick staff officers who somehow manage to have permanent profiles.”
The new APFT will consist of five events that much more closely replicate battlefield conditions to include deadlifting and dragging casualties. So far the reactions are hugely positive.
“I can’t wait. I mean, I love lifting heavy shit, but let’s be honest: if there’s only one standard, that means that the standard to pass is going to be super easy.” SPC Jamisan Solzheim said while chain-smoking outside of the 281st MI CO motor pool, “How many chicks do you think can deadlift two hundred pounds? Shit that damn dummy weighs more than most of the chicks in this place. Good luck.”
Junior officers have a different perspective, such as a Lieutenant who agreed to be interviewed anonymously had this to say, “The way I see it, we either get a hella easy APFT or if by some miracle the standards are high we’re gonna chapter out 90% of the females in this company and be left with the real warriors. Either daddy gets to finally excel at PT or I never have another problem with sexual harassment for the remainder of my platoon time. Win-win.”
Sources claim the new APFT will be unveiled in Summer of next year, which is what the Army has been saying for 37 years now.