By Thom Sullivan on 26 June 2018
Ft Meade, MD. SPC Brandon Delvers of Dallas, Texas expressed today that he thought for sure he would be propositioned by a beautiful Russian spy, or if failing that, at least a mediocre looking Corporate mole.
This belief stemming from the quarterly counter-intelligence briefs he and his peers receive where they are promised that even the most homely among them will be targeted by professionals whose only goal is the destruction of the West.
“It’s bullshit. We had to come in for training on a damn Saturday to get this brief. When I in-processed here I was told there were more spies in the D.C. metro area than anywhere else in the world! We were told that we would be practically drowning in Russian penis flytraps that just wanted to plant bugs in our houses.”
This added caution comes after a push from the United States Government to remove individuals accused of committing espionage, to include a massive push to remove dozens of Russian diplomats in early 2017. Still, there is no way to tell how many more continue to walk among Americans in the D.C. metro area.
One of the major targets for foreign intelligence workers are young soldiers who possess high level security clearances but lack the maturity to recognize that these women are seriously out of their league.
The most common vector for these traps is the dating app, 'Tinder' which promises users they will be drowning in constant, hedonistic sexual conquest and has a well-known side-effect of creating unusually high expectations in its users
“God, have you seen those Russian chicks? Or like the Israelis? Jesus Christ. I’d never touch bacon again if I got just a chance to hear one of those Mossad chicks fart through a telephone. And ya know, they’re our allies so it’s not like it’d be so bad to tell them some stuff.” Delvers describes this as the third major disappointing lie the army has told him. Delvers wore a look of visible frustration, “We were told that even weirdos like Noseworthy would get some tail. ”
PFC Aldous Noseworthy could not be reached for comment as he was currently lost in a tense internet argument on the NIPR computer over recent rules changes in the tabletop wargame Warhammer 40000.