Ft Bliss, TX- Some promotions come late, Some never at all. But this young hero's career progression came early. "It just clicked ya know. Like, one day I'm just eagerly listening to the CO go on another rant and out of nowhere I started going on mini-rants to my own troops. It just clicked man." Says 1LT Sonye. The articles will be finished once morale improves.
Fairfax, VA- The NRA is now trying to get public schools shut down in an attempt to save 'the precious'. "We've gotta start asking the tough questions here. Like, what was that school doing wearing that window shade, down that main road that time of mid-morning?" Says NRA spokesman, Ron Mexico. I will finish this article if you buy a fucking t-shirt!
Poll: What's more disrespectful? Accidentally dragging the flag after winning Gold for your Country or wearing the flag as a genital hammock?
Pyeongchang, the South shall rise again, Korea- Offending large groups of people is now easier than ever. The slightest twinge of assumed disrespect will send droves of internet trolls your way. The newest offended group are Patriots/Veterans. "I know personally when I saw him drop that flag from my couch, in my dungaroos, I was outraged. The entire time he was on that there podium accepting the medal for our country with the National Anthem playing, I was busy stuffing my face with Doritos and yelling profanity at him - still seated." Says Ken Allen, local uberPatriot. At the same...
Parris Island, NC- In a stop-lossesque move today, the Marine corps will now grab up as many prior service members as it wants as backwards compatible forced reenlistments are enacted. "This is bullshit man. Once a Marine, always a Marine but like, not in that way brah." Says LCPL stuffin who is morally against the move. More to follow.
The President's Military parade has D.C. area maternity wards prepping for 'Parade Babies' due this fall
Washington, D.C.- The President has gotten his way. The Military shall be marching through the streets of D.C. in the coming weeks. "With the Marines marching through the main club scene in dress blues, we're expecting pure havoc by midnight. The street sweepers are on standby to clean the thousands of panties expected to be thrown out in lust. In order to get ahead of the coming wave of pregnancies, we're expanding every maternity ward by 35 rooms." Says local councilwoman Barb haverford. This will be the first time these dog and pony shows have occurred outside of a military...